Our naughtiest contestant, Miss Folsom thinks you’ve been a bad little piggy and need to be spanked. She thinks someone needs to tie you up and teach you a lesson – possibly with rubber tubing and a black studded belt.

Miss Folsom’s safe word is “pumpkin”.

Miss Folsom hails from the South of Market neighborhood of San Francisco . A lifelong wearer of black leather and latex, she was recent the victim of a random sling accident that left her with a broken leg and bruised inner thighs. She loved the pain.

When she’s not spanking naughty riders for failing to ride safely, Miss Folsom is a preschool teacher in the Marina .

Miss Orange County hails from Newport Beach , California . She wishes you wouldn’t look her in the face, please.

Miss Orange County’s skin has a healthy, natural glow and her hair color is “just what God gave her.” Her purse Chihuahua , Fendi, can call 911 in case of emergency and, in case of a real emergency, can drive Miss Orange County ’s Mercedes SLK to the Coffee Bean for an Extreme Espresso Iced Blended.

Married since April, Miss Orange County ’s husband is a record executive with a severe heart problem. She is his only heir.

Miss Orange County’s hobbies include gossiping about celebrities she’s never met, asking valets to put her car in the shade and generally being rude to everyone.

Miss Last Year was a fan favorite at 2007’s ALC6 event. Though she has a fan base in the hundreds, this former Dreamgirl couldn’t find a ride home after her performance on Day 3 last year and was forced to live at the Mission . Despite the wonderful hospitality provided by the nuns and friars, she missed the limelight and some of her former band mates. Two months ago, she started the long journey home – stopping here to perform for us today.

Miss Last Year’s hobbies used to include performing for thousands, but after 10 months at the Mission , she’s mostly been performing disco baptisms and weddings.

Miss American Gladiator is our most aggressive competitor. Though she’s never actually won a Miss ALC competition, she’s often disqualified early in the judging for pushing other contestants into pools of water or rolling over them with her large cage-ball.

Also one of our most patriotic beauty queens, Miss American Gladiator joins us after three tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan , where she was with the 101st Puffy Jousting Brigade.

When she’s not gladiating, Miss American Gladiator enjoys rock climbing, high impact pogo-balling and writing Haiku poetry about bald eagles. She has never been married.

Fresh from the Black Mountain Correctional Facility for Women in Black Mountain NC , Miss 18 to Life is serving time on three counts of aggravated robbery and mail fraud. She is currently sub-letting her mobile home to a lovely white couple from Alabama .

Miss 18 to Life won her first bar fight at Senior Frog’s in Puerto Vallarta in 1989. Since then, she has embarked on a series of petty crimes including vandalism and armed jaywalking. Miss 18 to Life was finally picked up last year while on the lam from an open container violation in Reno .

Please don’t get too close to her.

Our only pregnant contestant, MISSed My Period is expecting her 7th child this summer. She’s pretty sure the father is either that handsy Santa from the Stonestown mall last Christmas or the trucker that drove her to Mexico for her Redotex prescription at New Years.

MISSed My Period calls the Maternity wing at San Francisco General Hospital her home away from home.

This contestant challenges convention – and common sense – by smoking and drinking throughout her pregnancy. Her other six children – Donatella, Crystal, Jesus, Mervins and Kirk Cameron – seem to be normal, though they all live with their grandmother.

MISSed My Period has high hopes that this next child will one day sue a large pharmaceutical company for negligence, allowing them to move to Vegas as she’s always dreamed.

When she’s not attending the big event in Palm Springs each year, Miss White Party is feeling the relentless beats and driving rhythms of life. She’s totally into house and trance and thinks Paul Oakenfold is totally overrated.

Miss White Party’s hobbies include: dancing to relentless beats, attending Burning Man and generally living life to its fullest. Miss White Party just wants to have a good time, so please stop trying to bring her down.

Miss White Party has many talents – including staying awake until 6AM , sleeping through the day and somehow still keeping a job.

An audio tape of Parks's classic rendition of the song "There She Is, Miss America" is still used each year in the Miss America contest as the just-announced winner takes her walk down the runway in her newly-earned crown.

Parks did a take-off of his Miss America role in 1990's The Freshman, starring Matthew Broderick. In it, he plays the M.C. of the Gourmet Club dinner in which diners supposedly eat a Komodo Dragon. He sings a take-off of "There She Is, Miss America" in a salute to the dragon.

In 1991 Parks appeared on a episode of the TV series Night Court as himself. He died of lung cancer at age 77.

Miss Norf Dakotah hails from the tiny lumber community of Tickle Springs, North Dakotah . When asked to provide her own sash for this contest, Miss ND , as she’s known, tried her best to spell her home state and failed miserably.

When not losing in beauty contests, Miss Norf Dakotah enjoys working on trucks and hunting badgers. Earlier today, she killed a house cat with her bare hands, just to show she could.

Her favorite color is flannel, her favorite song is “All My Exes Live in Texas ” and her favorite movie is “The Deer Hunter” – although she’s never actually seen it. Miss Norf Dakotah hopes to one day secede from the Union .

Hailing from Lake Tahoe , California , our next contestant is the mellowest and most easy-going of all the girls.

When she’s not interpreting dreams or coating her dog in Patchouli oil, Miss Crunchy Granola likes to unwind by taking her solar powered rik-sha for a spin. She’s an avid reader and non-paying subscriber to “High Times” magazine, a member of the Cheech & Chong Fan club and practitioner of the “Hakunah Mattata” philosophy of life.

Miss Crunchy Granola hasn’t held a steady job since a bad acid trip at Woodstock ’94, but makes a living crafting dreamcatchers and Cocopelli statues. Miss Crunchy Granola can, more often than not, be found in a drum circle in Golden Gate Park , playing the triangle and trading kind bud for food.

Miss Bushy Beaver hails from – you guessed it – Beaverton , Oregon . Between reading her magazines, watching her stories and shopping for bargains at Loehmann’s, Miss Beaver simply doesn’t have time to maintain her overgrown nether-regions. As she likes to say, she's got a "Dorothy Hammil 'do upstairs, and a Harry Hamlin downstairs!"

Her hobbies include braiding her bits, teasing out her lady parts and shimmying at the waist after a swim.

Her favorite movies are Hair, Hairspray, Harry and the Hendersons and Rapunzel.

Miss Bushy Beaver hasn’t been stimulated orally by a man since 1987.

Although her hometown is classified, “Miss GB” – as she’s known on the block – currently resides in the high security detention camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba .

Don't ask her for anything confidential. She won't leak a word.

The quiet, secretive type, her hobbies include: attempting escape, tunneling through walls with a dull teaspoon, waterboarding, concealing the truth, studying the findings of the Third Geneva Convention, and hunger striking. Miss Guantanamo Bay is happiest when gazing out at the Caribbean Sea through her burlap sack.

While a fractured hip and busted clavicle would be a showstopper for most, Miss GB isn't letting any of those bruises slow her down!

Miss Telemundo lives in Oaxaca , Mexico and is the matriarch of a large, wealthy family. Many things upset her. Her husband, Diego, was killed by assassins working for the evil agave magnate known as “ El Toro ” three seasons ago, though he is secretly living in the shed behind Miss Telemundo’s mansion.

Over the years, Miss Telemundo has been the victim of robbery, vandalism, alien abduction, political overthrow, a coma, uncontrollable falling down, kidnapping, and identity swapping. For a three week arc in 1978, she had an evil twin.

At the ripe age of 97, Miss Boca Raton is our oldest, most feisty contestant. She is literally MELTING in this heat!

Miss Boca Raton’s many hobbies include: complaining about all the smut on television, talking about that hunk Steve McQueen, making macramé dust buster cozies, reading AARP magazine and napping.

Born in Brooklyn in the early 20th Century, she moved to Boca in the 1970s. Two months later, she began complaining about how much the city had changed.

Miss Boca Raton believes in the ethical treatment of animals, except in the case of cosmetics testing.